It’s been awhile – but a time to reflect

It’s hard to believe it’s been over five years since I sat down to write and share, but if there has ever been a year to pause and reflect… this is it.

2020 … our year of resilience

To say 2020 was a year like no other would be an understatement for most of us. 

Even before the global pandemic had made it onto my radar, my family was already on a path for a year that would test our faith and perseverance.

But before I get into all of that … let me rewind a bit.

The first few years since I last wrote were pretty smooth. We did discover some challenges with academics (mainly reading & writing) – but health wise she seemed to be on track.

However, in 2019 we got our first glimpses of challenge. In February 2019, Alexa fractured her arm after falling while doing a cartwheel and when the arm didn’t seem to heal, we discovered she had a rare bone issue. Around the same time, she also started to develop a pattern of headaches. We thought they were stress related (as they only seemed to occur at school).

That all changed in early January 2020 when she awake with a severe headache and vomiting. That episode (combined with her genetic condition) compelled us to get a MRI in early February (yes, that probably took longer than it should).

On the afternoon of February 11, 2020, my cell phone rang. I was sitting in my office completely unprepared for the discussion I was about to have with my daughter’s neurologist. I grabbed a pack of post it notes … and started to jot down that I was hearing. “Two issues. Brain tumor. Rare brain condition effecting blood flow. Referral to Stanford neurosurgery.” I hung up the phone and texted a family member. I thought “wow, I am taking this in stride.” That person called me back immediately and I moment I started to speak, the sobs began.

The next day we met with Dr Gerald Grant, head of pediatric neurosurgery, a brilliant surgeon and amazing human being. He mapped out the treatment he was recommending and explained that we needed to start with removal the brain tumor (recommended having surgery one week later.)

That first surgery occurred at Stanford on February 19th. This was before the days of pre-surgery COVID-19 tests and wearing of surgical masks. Alexa did amazingly well and we were discharged 4 days later. Pathology report weeks later shared the good news that the tumor was benign and further treatment was not needed.

Alexa healed over the next few months and in June we began discussions on the pair of surgeries needed to address the other brain issue – a rare issue that impacts blood flow to brain. If left untreated the condition was progressive and in time Alexa was at risk of a stroke.

On July 2 Alexa had surgery on the right side of her brain. (Surgery# 2 of 2020). Surgeons at Stanford rerouted moved arteries in her brain to improve the blood flow. On August 13 they did the same surgery on her left side. (Surgery#3 of 2020)

Both surgeries were highly complex & lengthy surgeries – but Alexa bounced back quickly. As an example after her last brain surgery, she was back at online learning 4 days later!

Alexa again spent a few months healing. In late November we had a follow-up MRI which showed significant improvement in her brain’s blood.

We were given the green light for our 4th & final surgery of 2020 … a vascular orthopedic surgery at Shriners Children’s in Sacramento. This time an all female all star surgical team took a part of the fibula in her leg and transplanted it to replace the diseased bone in her arm.

We had that surgery about 10 days ago. Alexa now has a cast on her left leg and on her right arm – making it very difficult to do even the simplest of things. For the next 6 weeks we’re learning to thrive in a wheelchair.

So yes, in addition to fears of a global pandemic, learning to work and learn from home (full time) and missing the social aspects of normal living… we’ve had a lot of other worries and struggles to deal with. Despite being only 8, my daughter has managed to tackle each day with grit, determination and a smile. I feel like I continue to learn and be inspired by her journey and character.

The biggest bummer to her currently is not having her friends, teachers and extended family sign her cast. To help bring some of these well wishes to her in a virtual way, I set up a couple of Kindeo projects for people to submit their messages online. One I extended to peers at work, and the second was for friends & family.

The response from work has been inspiring to me. People from across the globe carved out time to submit well wishes to my daughter (who they’ve never met – but only heard about from my post). There were lots of pictures of cats, some videos & photos from their kids and lots of words of encouragement.

The video I compiled is rather lengthy (as there were 70+ entries) but it speaks to the big hearts and human kindness we can experience from strangers & acquaintances.

This holiday season let us all take time to take time to recharge and spend quality time with family (even if it’s through virtual means). If this year has thought me anything it’s that life can change in an instant and often sends you reminders to show gratitude and grace.

Happy holidays!

For those who have time on their hands & want to check out video, here is the link

https://my.kindeo.com/watch/x77wva2d38l6vu9

My toddler is learning context (and how entertaining it is!)

So it seems I needed to take the summer off. An unintended break – but honestly I can’t believe I haven’t written in many months.

It’s been a great summer.  Not one where I have a list of destinations to share, but one in which I was able to share some real quality time with my growing toddler.  Life was the everyday ho-hum… my daughter going to daycare, and mommy going to work.  But it was this summer that my daughter’s vocabulary exploded and her ability to begin to understand context has started.

Now at the end of August she now understands:

Daycare:

1) Mom goes to work when she goes to school.

2) She feels sad sometimes when mommy is away from her – and misses mommy. (This mom’s heart breaks when she shares this).

3) The order in which mommy’s and daddy’s arrive for pickup – and grows anxious when mommy is running late

When Out and About:

4) She’s “two” and informs everyone who will listen of this fact.

Has a knack of spotting these three from a distance and grows excited:

5) Ice cream or frozen yogurt store … and always attempts to convince mommy to stop.

6) Playground or park … “playground, mommy?”

7) CTA bus (funny but true)… And if we are boarding we also say hello to bus driver (most days we get a hello & smile back!)

At Home:

8) Hugs and kisses are pretty great (Mommy really likes these and … giving them can sometimes delay nap or bedtime)

9) Mommy gets boo-boos too — and kissing them (fake kiss) can make mommy feel better too.

10) When a babysitter arrives at the door, mommy is going out (Oh no, start the tears!)

 

The list goes on and on … but those are the major ones that usually bring a smile to my face – or break my heart a little.  Really loving this stage (and very scared of the 3’s which I’ve heard referred to as the “Threenagers”).  Will try to write a more comprehensive reflection on the summer soon … Until then!

Day 1 of #100HappyDays: My Little Nurturer

Life continues to be busy.  Between work, parenting and the new challenge of getting my condo ready to sell, yes, it’s hard to find time to just “be.” This also manifests itself into the fact that I find less and less time to write, but tonight somehow I resolved to make the time.

So in the month+ since I last wrote my daughter turned two.  We celebrated early in Florida with my parents, and on her actual birthday by having cupcakes with her classmates, and pizza dinner with mommy.  It was a fun milestone and I must admit I really like the “early 2’s.” Alexa continues to show her personality and enthusiasm for life.  What’s new is that she is starting to show her caring and nurturing side both towards me and in her playtime.

Last weekend it was naptime and Alexa was fighting the urge to go to sleep.  We were sitting together in my living room and I tried the “Mommy’s going to nap too” approach. I put my head next to her and closed my eyes just for a moment.  Alexa immediately shifted into nurture mode… “Ah, mommy. Night Night,” she said.  She took one of her blankets placed it gently on my shoulder.  She then gently tapped me as she continued to say “Night Night.” It was as if she was playing back the soothing that I or her teachers do when trying to calm her to sleep. As all of this was transpiring I couldn’t help but smile and be filled with love for this amazing toddler of mine.  To see her love and gentle nature in action even in such a simple gesture made me so proud of the little girl she is becoming.

It’s me treasuring those little moments that is likely preventing me from writing… so bear with me. I am going to try to make a bigger effort going forward and am hoping that the #100HappyDays challenge (that I’ve been seeing in my friends’ FB take on) be the push for me to make more time. So April 7th is day 1 for me… For those who are friends on FB or follow me on Twitter, we’ll see how I do.

Day 1… Seeing Alexa in sunglasses makes me happy 🙂

The “Always On” Mom Trait

It’s hard to believe it’s been a month since I last wrote, but the weeks fly by.  It’s been an unbelievably cold month here in Chicago, and I tell myself that this may be “the winter” that breaks me and gives me that final push to leave the midwest.

Despite all of the discomfort and extra layers, it’s been a fun month with my little toddler.  Her vocabulary is exploding, her motor skills improving, we’ve moved beyond walking to running, and her term for me has evolved from momma to mommy!  Some of this rapid development is due to her move to the “2’s room” at daycare… where she is learning to eat family style, drink from a cup, wash her hands and pick up after herself… and yes, is slowly being introduced to the potty.  It’s becoming apparent that she is no longer a baby, but is a full fledged toddler.

It’s also been a time of constant learning and evolving for me. With each passing month I become more confident in my ability to parent. I started off feeling fairly clueless (newborn stage is really tough) and I must admit I have been surprised by the impact motherhood has had on me. Before Alexa arrived, I thought, “being a mom will not define all that I am.” And now two years into the journey I realize that it has transformed me. Even though I work outside of the home, I am a mom 24/7.  Even those times when my daughter is not physically with me (i.e. work, gym, during social plans or night out), she is always somewhere in my thoughts. It’s why my phone is always charged and with me.  It’s why I go into her room every night to check on her before I go to sleep, and why I wake up instantly when she cries out.  She’s a core part of me, and I will be her mom from this point forward… worrying, hoping, laughing, crying , protecting, providing and cheering her on. What an amazing privilege.

For those of you who know me in real life, I am certain you will spot a sticker or cheerio on my clothing from time to time, a stuffed animal in my work bag, my daughter’s forgotten school bag with me at the office… all visible signs of a toddler’s influence.  I hope it brings a smile to your face, and the realization that I am trying to be the master juggler while enjoying the journey.  Some days it looks easy, and others it’s more of a struggle.  Hopefully, you’ll bump into me on one of the great days… and if not, feel free to give me a hug!

Until next time…

Earning My Mommy Stripes

Regardless of whether you are a parent, there are weeks that are easy, and others that test your core.  Last week was definitely the latter.  Now let me clarify that nothing catastrophic happened last week… it was simply challenging.

For those following the weather, you can recall that Chicago started out last week with record lows.  Monday had highs of -10 (without the wind chill) and on Tuesday I believe we hit the single digits.  These low temps made both days work at home days for me, since taking a toddler out in these conditions seemed dangerous.

To complicate matters my daughter also started to show signs of having a cold early in the week, but was cooperative enough to allow her mommy to put in a fairly complete work days.  (And yes, I did take at least one conference call with a sleeping toddler in my arms).

By Wednesday the temperatures were still very cold, but were safe enough to leave the condo.  Despite my daughter seeming a little under the weather, we bundled up and attempted to get a “day in the office.”  After what was a very long commute, I was in the office for maybe 30 minutes when I got the call that my daughter was running a 100.6 temperature.  Not high enough that I had to drop everything, but still concerning,  After completing a few “must do” items, I packed up everything and headed in a taxi to pick up my little one.  (And yes, I spent a record one hour in the office!)

I worked the remainder of the Wednesday and all day Thursday from home.  (Luckily on Thursday, I arranged for in home back-up care to allow me to focus).  If having a sick toddler was not enough, work was also serving up challenges each day.  There were times that I felt like my juggling skills were just not enough, but somehow I managed through.

I woke up on Friday feeling like maybe we made it through the worst of it.  But as my daughter woke up it was clear that I was one “mistaken mommy,” the curve ball of the week was still to come.  My daughter was clearly not well.  She had a low grade fever that would not break, very little interest in food or liquids and was now extremely lethargic.  With these symptoms I was one of the first parents in queue when her pediatrician’s office opened at 9am.

After quickly making ourselves presentable (my daughter in her PJs and me not much better), we walked .75 mile through slushy sidewalks and were in the doctor’s office by 9:45am.  Within 30 minutes I learned my daughter had the start of pneumonia. (Wow, that’s a scary word.)  As her doctor explained that my intuition was spot on; that I came in at exactly the right time; that my daughter would seem like a completely new child within 48 hours: I started to slowly exhale.

Flash forward 72 hours and my daughter is recovering well.  The fever is completely gone and she returned to daycare today.  She still has a lingering cough – but her playful personality and appetite is back.  It is so great to see the smiles and high energy, and hear the giggles.

As I reflected on last week and shared how I was feeling with my mom, she simply remarked, “You are earning your mommy stripes.” It’s these weeks that remind you what’s important and teaches you what you are made of.  So here are the stripes that I think I’ve earned so far:

• Tapping into and trusting my gut/intuition
• Running on minimal sleep (and having expert hearing – through walls and sleepy state)
• Multi tasking (I believe my current maximum is doing 3-4 things at once – although not well)
• Creative cooking and menu prep (Getting a sick toddler to eat is not easy)
• Being silly and doing almost anything to make my toddler laugh (singing, tickling, dancing, etc)
• Going with the flow (On my little one’s sickest days there was plenty of TV, snuggles, apple sauce/snacks and flexible napping)
• Breaking down to “let it go” (Yes, there was at least one night when I broke down into tears when the busy period of the day finally ended.  I was so tired and knew that it would be “more of the same tomorrow” but also kept reminding myself that “this too shall pass.”)

And it did pass… now I know this week will present its own challenges, but I know that it will be better than last week.  And for those times when life’s circumstances seem almost too much to bear, I often remind myself of one of my favorite prayers (shared before) and know that we will weather through:

On Gratitude: As a Parent

I’ve noticed this November that many of my friends on Facebook have turned this great month into one of expressing gratitude. Their posts inspired me to start jotting down what I feel thankful for… Not surprisingly a few themes are constant in my daily notes.

Before writing tonight I wanted to first find a quote that captured the strongest common thread ..

“At times our own inner light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of has cause to think with great gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”~Albert Schweitzer

My daughter was the top theme in my gratitude journal. After only 19 months together I am still in awe by how much she transformed my life. Her giggles, smiles, hugs and kisses are the highlight of my day… And even during the more challenging moments of occasional meltdown & “No, no, no’s” … I am overwhelmed by the urge to protect and soothe her. Most importantly when I stop to remember my life before her it’s a blur… She really has opened up my heart and ignited my life in a way that I didn’t know was possible and for that I am filled with gratitude.

Until next time…

Now we’re talking (and walking!)

I’m amazed at the speed of learning at age eighteen months.  In the past few weeks I’ve noticed my daughter’s ability to communicate greatly expand — and yes, I watched her take her first steps (day 1 occurred at daycare but her caring teachers caught it on video for me… thank goodness for smartphones).  And while her walking skills are still pretty shaky, her ability to listen, understand and communicate simply amaze me.

To help illustrate her mastery of words, I created Alexa’s own word cloud. Roughly 15 spoken words in total — and many more that she understands when asked questions.  With her love of books I expect her vocabulary to continue to explode.  For those parents out there, did you toddler’s first words look something like this?

A tale of help from two amazing women…

Today was one of those “picture perfect” Sundays. It all started with my attending church services for the first time in months and a homily (sermon) that caused my brain to reflect deeply on that day (March 18, 2012) that changed my life so much for the better.

No, the sermon wasn’t on the topic of parenthood – it was on the importance of being compassionate and neighborly to those in need around us. So today’s post is about two women that helped me keep it together on that fateful day, and how I (and my family) will be forever grateful for their kindness and support.

So as I sat there today in church, I knew I needed to write my thoughts down – so that I could one day share this story with Alexa about “the day she was born.”

It all started about 11:30pm on St. Patrick’s Day night… I went to the hospital with signs that I may be in early labor. I had a long way to go, so I was advised to go home and rest. Within three hours the real labor began. I tried laying down, standing up, pacing, a warm bath, etc… Anything to help the pain. But knew as the contractions grew a little closer, my gut told me it was time to head back to the hospital. The only issue was I was alone and could barely walk or sit down.

What’s a girl to do? Since I do not have family living in Chicago, I called one of the neighbors (and yes, it was 5am!). She and her husband were new parents at the time, and had gone through a similar drill only 10 weeks prior. Ylda gratiously left her little one with her husband and went with me in a cab to the hospital. She gently coached me on my breathing and kept me reassured that everything was going to be okay.

Ylda stayed with me through triage, admissions and getting settled in my room – and only left after the epidural was administered and I was comfortably resting in my room. Having never been through child birth, I naively thought I could get myself to the hospital solo… But I now wonder how I would have weathered those early hours without help from my amazing neighbor.

Now let’s fast forward a couple more hours, and the doctor on call tells me I’m going to start the “pushing stage” of labor soon. I remembered my manager at work telling me no woman should go through this part alone and if found myself going into labor early (before my mom arrived) to call her. So I trusted her advice, and enlisted her help. My manager (Julie) immediately got in her car, drove into Chicago from the O’Hare suburbs and arrived just as I was starting what would be my two hours of pushing.

Julie held my hand as I went through those final stages, and she was one of the first people to see my beautiful baby girl. Thanks to her iPhone camera skills I have photos of those moments. And when all the excitement calmed down, Julie stayed with me and Alexa until we were settled in and resting.

When my mom arrived later that evening I shared the events of those previous ~12 hours. She was touched by the caring acts of both Ylda and Julie, and commented how fortunate I was to have “good people” in my life.

So returning to the present… when I sat in church this morning and reflected on all of that – my eyes welled up with tears and I felt filled with gratitude. How lucky I was to have two special people go above and beyond to help me in such a great time of need. I only hope I can demonstrate this level of gIving/caring if placed in a similar situation. One thing is certain… My daughter will know how much compassion was extended to her mom on her “extra special day.”

It only seems fitting to end today’s post with my favorite picture from Miss Alexa’s “birth” day .. (It’s hard to believe it was a little over 18 months ago!)

Dr Mom and Toddler Translator in Training

If it seems like awhile since my last post, it has been almost a month. And what a month it has been.

We’ll start with the positive… I really like this stage of toddlerhood.  Alexa is quite the personality. She and I now communicate pretty well and she is developing a small vocabulary (Mama, More, All Done, Up, Hi, Bye Bye, See, and the newest on the list “Uh Oh”) and there are others on the horizon (like Nana, PopPop and book). Despite this short list of spoken words, she seems to understand even more words when asked questions.  She is quite fond of walks, visits to the playground and the zoo… and seems to be developing a love of books.  But my favorite is her new fondness for sitting next to her mommy and giving hugs. Just too cute!

Onto the more challenging… we just finished Alexa’s first major bout with a nasty virus and it nearly broke my heart to see her so sick.  Her temperature spiked to 104 degrees and her energy level was ultra low. To see my spunky toddler so weak and lethargic was just so difficult, especially since there was so little I can do for her (other than baby ibuprofen, lots of fluids, lots of naps and as much TLC as I could give her).  I know this is the first illness of many to come in her childhood, but the experience reinforced for me how unconditional a parent’s love is and how endless our worry can be.

So coming off this experience I went searching for a great parenting quote, and this one felt like a real keeper.  It deals with the long journey of parenthood, but given it’s back to school time it seemed the right one for this moment in time.

Somebody said that a child is carried in its mother’s womb for nine months.
Somebody does not know that a child is carried in its mother’s heart forever.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby.

Somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother, normal is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring.
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.

Somebody said if you’re a “good” mother, your child will “turn out good.”
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said “good” mothers never raise their voices.
Somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor’s kitchen window.

Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a mother.
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can’t love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
Somebody doesn’t have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her “baby” get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
Somebody doesn’t know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother’s heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother’s job is done when her last child leaves home.
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don’t need to tell her.
Somebody isn’t a mother.

Until next time…

My Toddler’s Spirit and Sparkle

At 16 months of age my daughter is a bundle of energy and personality. And when I take the time to really tune in and observe her, I wonder at what age did I learn to temper my approach and dial down my spunk.

My daughter is all about being in the moment. Whether it bopping to the beat at music class, … or clapping and giggling at the zoo (those polar bears are exciting)… or kicking and squealing on the swings… or chilling at home and deciding a “downward facing dog” pose might be fun… or saying “bye bye” to the entire CTA bus… Alexa just goes with her immediate reaction or wish.

If you and I did some of this people might shake their heads, but when it’s coming from a 16 month old, you see a different reaction… you see faces brighten and smiles in return (at least from most).  It’s not that people are laughing at her, I truly believe they see her joy.  And what’s refreshing about a child this age is that she’s too young to worry about how people perceive her. Her world is much more simple than that… She is simply tuned into herself and her caregivers right now. It will be a bit longer (I hope) until she learns how critical the world can be, or understands the expectations and rules that some with age.

So as I watch her I think how do I preserve that innocence and spirit? I also wonder how do I get some of my “toddler spirit” back (not the tantrums, please). How do I “relearn” to see the world around me with fresh eyes? To find joy in the simple things?

Until then I need to remind myself to encourage my daughter to keep this spirited nature.  I’ll be posting this quote as reminder for me personally and as my daughter’s advocate and cheerleader:

Until next time…